Official Joke Thread

[Flyjunkie]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him"
'Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[Cap]

Have to update this thread!!!

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

[ozarkmike]

> Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found
by posing the following question:
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.
> Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at
you...
> You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
> You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
> What do you do?
>
> THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
>
> Democrat's Answer:
>
> * Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
> * What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
> * Does the man look poor or oppressed?
> * Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
> * Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
> * Could we run away?
> * What does my wife think?
> * What about the kids?
> * Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
> * What does the law say about this situation?
> * Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
> * Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
> * Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
> * Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
> * If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
> * Should I call 9-1-1?
> * Why is this street so deserted?
> * We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
> * Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behavior?
> * I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come
to a consensus.
> * This is all so confusing!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Republican's Answer:
>
> BANG!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Southerner's Answer:
>
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
> Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
> Click
> Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
> Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
> Wife: ‘You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!’
>

[Flyjunkie]

A man went into a store and saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.

"How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said.

"I'll take them!" the customer responded.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchase, the man asked him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

[Skian]

Ya know why cannibals won't eat clowns?





.....they taste funny.

[Bobby]

The ultimate in courage is two cannibals having oral sex............

[Bobby]

There were two cannibals sitting by the camp fire eating. One of them said that he hated his wife's guts. The other one told him to quit bitching and just eat the vegetables.

[Scotto]

I used to be f**king stupid.

But we broke up.

[Flyjunkie]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third
day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister,
this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more
than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of

here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a
huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give
Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here!'